“The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain” – Daniel Goleman
When I am asked to identify top traits for leaders, the one I have always insisted to be at the top is Emotional Intelligence. This observation is after years of working with future and current leaders. The ones with this trait always stand heads above the crowd.
What is Emotional Intelligence (EI)?
Psychologists John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey define Emotional Intelligence as “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” Being a leader is more than strategy, it involves a true understanding of your emotions and those around you.
Daniel Goleman says this about Emotional Intelligence: “I have found… that the most effective leaders are alike in one crucial way: They all have a high degree of what has come to be known as emotional intelligence. It’s not that IQ and technical skills are irrelevant. They do matter, but mainly as “threshold capabilities”; that is, they are the entry-level requirements for executive positions…..Without it, a person can have the best training in the world, an incisive, analytical mind, and an endless supply of smart ideas, but he still won’t make a great leader.”
Why is EI important at work?
Every individual possesses different levels of EI, but for individuals to become effective leaders, they need a high level of EI. In the workplace, EI has become a critical factor for success, influencing productivity, efficiency and team collaboration.
Current research from TalentSmart founder and author Travis Bradbury
“TalentSmart tested emotional intelligence alongside 33 other important workplace skills, and found that emotional intelligence is the strongest predictor of performance explaining a full 58% of success in all types of jobs. Of all the people we’ve studied at work, we’ve found that 90% of top performers are also high in emotional intelligence. On the flip side, just 20% of bottom performers are high in emotional intelligence….people with a high degree of emotional intelligence make more money—an average of $29,000 more per year than people with a low degree of emotional intelligence. The link between emotional intelligence and earnings is so direct that every point increase in emotional intelligence adds $1,300 to an annual salary. These findings hold true for people in all industries, at all levels, in every region of the world. We haven’t yet been able to find a job in which performance and pay aren’t tied closely to emotional intelligence.”
EI helps us manage stress, it is important for collaboration and teamwork, and it helps us to grow in a relationship. While skills, intelligence and experience may get you the job, your EI will ultimately determine how well you succeed and how far you rise in the organization.
Improve your EI
The good news is that unlike IQ which pretty much stays the same for life, EI can be improved with practice. There are many ways to begin developing your EI. Attending seminars, reading books and taking courses are effective ways to start the process.
Here are 6 tips to help you practice behaviors that will improve your EI.
1. Identify How You Feel
Acknowledge your emotions, not as good or bad, right or wrong but as a source of information that help you gain self-awareness.Whenever you have an emotional reaction to something, you are receiving information about a particular situation, person or event. The reaction experienced might be due to the current situation, or it could be that the current situation is reminding you of a memory from a different time.
Try the following exercise:
During 3 or 4 points during the day, take a few deep breaths and ask “How am I feeling right now? Is this how I want to be feeling?” Record this information and identify what may be the cause of this feeling. Pay attention to where that emotion is showing up as a physical feeling in your body and what the sensation feels like. The more you can practice this, the more it will become a regular routine.
2. Watch How You Behave
Learning to manage emotions is another key component of improving emotional intelligence. This can only be done if you are consciously aware of your emotions. Notice how you behave when you’re experiencing certain emotions, and how that impacts your day-to-day life.
Once you become more conscious of how you are reacting to your emotions, you can begin to make choices about how you want to behave. For example, a client of mine told me a story of what happens when she makes a mistake at work. She automatically feels very embarrassed. She then noticed that her posture and communication style becomes overly aggressive, unapologetic and arrogant to her co workers. Before we worked together, she couldn’t understand why people were beginning to exclude her from meetings and events. When colleagues were speaking with her she sensed their discomfort. Once she identified how to identify when the feelings of embarrassment were hijacking her communication with others, she chose to use humor to acknowledge a mistake, take ownership and then move on.
Next exercise, once you identify your emotions, ask yourself these questions about your behavior:
- Does this feeling impact my communication with others?
- How do my emotions impact my productivity?
- How do my emotions impact my overall sense of well-being?
- Is this how I want to act?
3. Own Your Feelings and Behavior
This can be very challenging for some. It’s important to remember that emotions and behavior come from you, therefore, you’re the one who’s responsible for them. If you feel ashamed in response to something someone says or does, and you lash out at them, you’re responsible for that. They didn’t “make” you lash out, your reaction is your responsibility. Your feelings aren’t another person’s responsibility. Once you start accepting responsibility for how you feel and how you behave, this will have a positive impact on all areas of your life.
If you find yourself “blaming” someone else for your feelings, take ownership. For example, “If only you would stop taking credit for my work, then I wouldn’t feel angry.” Rephrase this by saying: When you take credit for my work, I feel really angry towards you and that prevents me from trusting you. Remember your power to choose and help change things for yourself. Letting your emotions control you takes the control out of your hands.
Exercise: Practice owning feelings and behaviors by rephrasing when you want to blame others.
When you do xyz, I feel______ and then I _______
4. Beware of the Blame Game
The blame game is when you point your finger at everyone and everything except yourself, blaming others for your misfortunes. When you let your emotions or inappropriate behaviors control you. Then you lose a perspective which could help you to create a more enjoyable experience for yourself in your career.
It is important to vent at times and to both acknowledge and discuss your feelings, preferably to someone that you trust. If you reach a point where you find yourself blaming and venting at the workplace, you’re only setting yourself up for more dissatisfaction. People react to who they see and not who you really might be – or what you could offer them if you could only step past those non productive behaviors. Basically, what they see is perception they believe to be real.
Exercise: Next time you find yourself blaming others, or allowing yourself to be a victim, ask yourself this:
“What other choices do/did I have in this situation?” The answer will move you away from the blame game.
5. Respond Rather than React
Reacting is an unconscious process where we experience an emotional trigger. This is often referred to as a “knee jerk reaction”. Here is an example: You walk out of long meeting with your project team that has missed several important deadlines feeling frustrated, irritated and angry. Your assistant greets you outside the meeting room, and tells you that your boss wants to meet with you immediately. You snap at him and with sarcasm say, “Well aren’t you the bearer of good news, couldn’t you have at least waited until I returned to my office?” As you abruptly turn away, your assistant is now very angry and irritated.
Responding is a conscious process. This involves identifying how you feel, then deciding how you want to behave. In the above example, feeling irritated, seeing your assistant waiting for you, you imagine that he has “some news”. First step, take a deep breath and acknowledge the fact that your assistant is waiting for you. “Hi Joe, you must have something important to tell me, right?” Once Joe delivers the news, explain how you feel. “Awful meeting, I am so frustrated right now. Wish I didn’t have to see her, but understand that you had to tell me now?” This is a much better outcome for everyone.
Exercise: Practice breathing, take a walk, count to ten or find another way of bringing your emotional response back to a lower level. If we look at emotions on a scale of 1-10, with ten being the highest response for that emotion, determine what technique will help you bring that emotional response below a seven.
6. Empathize Often with Others
Empathy is the ability to see the world as another person, to share and understand another person’s feelings, needs, concerns and/or emotional state. Practicing this ability will significantly improve your EI.
As an example, a colleague lost a deal to the competition. She was sad and starting to isolate herself. I invited her to lunch. During lunch, I told her how sorry I was that she lost the deal. Here is what I said: “I understand how you’re feeling. I lost a big client last year. I know you must be disappointed and upset with yourself, but try not to be too harsh.” That is an example of empathy.
On the opposite side , here is an example of a person expressing no empathy. A project team had underestimated the cost of installing new security software. The team lead had to report this to the project leader, who expressed no empathy. His response: “Making mistakes like this is not an option. Going forward, if this happens again, there will be serious consequences.”
Exercise: Start by noticing others reactions to situations.
When you notice their reaction, identify what you see. An easy way to empathize is to say “I noticed that you are (insert what emotion you notice)…about xyz”
To become a future leader EI is a key trait that makes a well-rounded and successful leader.
How will you continue to develop your Emotional Intelligence?
If you would like more information about how to develop Emotional Intelligence, please contact us.
See you next week for part eight of our “10 Weeks of Executive and Leadership Presence Tips – Integrity”.
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